Hey man sorry I got all grabby
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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