In America we eat man semen.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
