I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
