Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
