What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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