Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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