$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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