i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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