How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
