There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
