He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
