More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
