ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
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