What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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