When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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