...so i touched it.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
i think we sleep fucked last night...
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
