Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
