My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
