It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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