The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Randomize
