he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
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