Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
