you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
