Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
