Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
