can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
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