YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
You're like the curious george of whores
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
