R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Randomize
