im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
what is it with giant penises always finding me
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
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