the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
try to milk me bitch
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
