I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
