did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
