I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
