Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
