clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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