I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Randomize
