When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize