yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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