My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
