boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
