she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Randomize
