You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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