You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
