just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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