its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Soap is not a condiment
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
