she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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