Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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