Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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