She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
The cops high fived after they tackled you
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
