I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize