I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
