last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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