I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
