We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
