Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
