cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
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