my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
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