I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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