Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
