i can't believe i had my finger in that
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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